This is only part of my story...

I am telling this part of "my story" because I am hoping for some advice and many many many prayers....

My parents divorced with I was 4. I have no memory of my Dad as being apart of my family. Like most typical divorces I was to spend every other weekend with daddy dearest. My Dad remarried at some point in this story, but because I was so young my memories of it are all jumbled. Every memory I have of visitations with my Dad involved drugs and alcohol. Even as a small child of 5 or 6 years old, I knew how completely insane it was that I had to spend time in that environment. At some point during this time my dad was put in jail for not paying child support. I am not sure how long he was there but I remember he sent me letters all the time.


1 very clear memory I do have of him is when I was about that age and I was in my bed trying to sleep while the insanity ensued in the living room. I remember crying and trying so hard to muster up the courage to walk in there and exclaim that I wanted to go home. When my tiny feet finally hit the floor I only had the courage to ask if I could call my mom. Of course, he refused to allow me to do so. But, then for whatever reason... the courage came... and I told him in the most stern voice I have ever used... that if he did not let me call my mom, I was never coming back..

Needless to say, I didn't. For many years, I went on with my life without my dad. I remember many phone calls that went back and forth between my parents and I remember my mom asking me ever time he called if I wanted to talk to him. I chose not to speak with him on my own accord. The only thing I ever remember my mom telling me about my dad was that "If I wanted to talk to my Dad, then it was perfectly fine with her, but be cautious because he can play on your emotions". She didn't bash my Dad, as he would like to believe. One time when I did talk to him he accused my mom of not giving me the letters he had written me during his stay in jail. Which was completely false.

The next time I had contact with my Dad was when I found out that his wife was pregnant. I was soooo excited at the prospect of having a sister I was able to put all the pain and anger aside and put myself back in their lives. I was 10 then. So for Christmas of that year, I went and spent the holiday with my Dad, his wife, and his new daughter. And that was it. I didn't go see him again after that.

When I was in the 5th grade I had an appendicitis. My dad showed up at the hospital. I was completely freaked out.. and again, that was the last I saw of him. But this time it was truly it. It just this very minute hit me that at that very moment in that hospital room was the last time I saw my Dad. He told me that he "heard it through the grapevine" that I was in the hospital.... I have hated that song ever since!!!!

So, occasionally I would get a letter in the mail. And I think I responded a few times, but the one thing I always noticed was he spent more time excusing his behavior and blaming my mother for our separation. Hello- you idiot.... My mother raised me.... and my brother.... who she was pregnant with when she divorced your sorry butt.... my brother whom you barely saw a couple of times in his entire life, and you have clearly smoked away your last brain cell if you think that bashing my Mom is going to bring us closer together... Ugh!!!

Fast Forward...........

When I was 21 I moved to Dallas. I got myself in all sorts of trouble with alcohol and of course one morning around 6AM.. hungover as all get out... the phone rings.
"Erica- This is your Dad".......
Beer fog though process "you have got to be freaking kidding me"
Actual words from my mouth.. "yeah"
Idiot father.... "Are you financially stable?"
Beer fog.... "please tell me your kidding"
Actual words from my mouth.. "Well, I am 21 years old living and working in a city where I have no family... what do you think..." All the while laughing as I am speaking.....
Idiot Father....... "This is not an F'ing joke, Erica"
Beer fog and actual action....... "click"... hung up... haven't spoken since.


Oh, and I think maybe he called me once when I moved back to Owasso. But I don't think I answered the phone.

So, where is this all going you ask........

Well, the daughter he had when I was 10 is not 19 years old. She contacted me about 2 years ago and I have been communicating with her via e-mail/myspace ever since. She has asked to meet me and my brother. My brother has met up with her several times and they apparently get along quite well. I on the other hand have an extremely difficult time with it all. While I would love to meet her, something in me comes to a screeching halt anytime it is possible. So, we just e-mail... which is what has lead to today's issue...
My "sister" sent out an e-mail to several people... myself included.. oh and I am sure you see where this is going... and my Dad included.. So today I receive this e-mail..

Erica,
All I will say is that I miss you and love you. If you want to talk I am always here for you.
Your Father- I love you always and forever
Ken



I don't know what to do. This issue wrenches my heart and all I can seem to do is cry. Why? Why was is so hard to keep in touch with your first born child. How is it that the daughter you did nurture and love calls you her hero and your first born calls you a deadbeat who abandon her and her brother. How do you get past that? How do you meet your Dad when you are 29 years old and pregnant with your first child whom you know that nothing in the world would stop me from being in my childs life. I can't pray enough to find the answers and can't forgive enough to get past my anger. I hate what he did to us and I want to hate him and pretend that my life has been perfectly fine without him in it. But, the truth is that it hurts so much that I have no idea what to do.