This is only part of my story...

I am telling this part of "my story" because I am hoping for some advice and many many many prayers....

My parents divorced with I was 4. I have no memory of my Dad as being apart of my family. Like most typical divorces I was to spend every other weekend with daddy dearest. My Dad remarried at some point in this story, but because I was so young my memories of it are all jumbled. Every memory I have of visitations with my Dad involved drugs and alcohol. Even as a small child of 5 or 6 years old, I knew how completely insane it was that I had to spend time in that environment. At some point during this time my dad was put in jail for not paying child support. I am not sure how long he was there but I remember he sent me letters all the time.


1 very clear memory I do have of him is when I was about that age and I was in my bed trying to sleep while the insanity ensued in the living room. I remember crying and trying so hard to muster up the courage to walk in there and exclaim that I wanted to go home. When my tiny feet finally hit the floor I only had the courage to ask if I could call my mom. Of course, he refused to allow me to do so. But, then for whatever reason... the courage came... and I told him in the most stern voice I have ever used... that if he did not let me call my mom, I was never coming back..

Needless to say, I didn't. For many years, I went on with my life without my dad. I remember many phone calls that went back and forth between my parents and I remember my mom asking me ever time he called if I wanted to talk to him. I chose not to speak with him on my own accord. The only thing I ever remember my mom telling me about my dad was that "If I wanted to talk to my Dad, then it was perfectly fine with her, but be cautious because he can play on your emotions". She didn't bash my Dad, as he would like to believe. One time when I did talk to him he accused my mom of not giving me the letters he had written me during his stay in jail. Which was completely false.

The next time I had contact with my Dad was when I found out that his wife was pregnant. I was soooo excited at the prospect of having a sister I was able to put all the pain and anger aside and put myself back in their lives. I was 10 then. So for Christmas of that year, I went and spent the holiday with my Dad, his wife, and his new daughter. And that was it. I didn't go see him again after that.

When I was in the 5th grade I had an appendicitis. My dad showed up at the hospital. I was completely freaked out.. and again, that was the last I saw of him. But this time it was truly it. It just this very minute hit me that at that very moment in that hospital room was the last time I saw my Dad. He told me that he "heard it through the grapevine" that I was in the hospital.... I have hated that song ever since!!!!

So, occasionally I would get a letter in the mail. And I think I responded a few times, but the one thing I always noticed was he spent more time excusing his behavior and blaming my mother for our separation. Hello- you idiot.... My mother raised me.... and my brother.... who she was pregnant with when she divorced your sorry butt.... my brother whom you barely saw a couple of times in his entire life, and you have clearly smoked away your last brain cell if you think that bashing my Mom is going to bring us closer together... Ugh!!!

Fast Forward...........

When I was 21 I moved to Dallas. I got myself in all sorts of trouble with alcohol and of course one morning around 6AM.. hungover as all get out... the phone rings.
"Erica- This is your Dad".......
Beer fog though process "you have got to be freaking kidding me"
Actual words from my mouth.. "yeah"
Idiot father.... "Are you financially stable?"
Beer fog.... "please tell me your kidding"
Actual words from my mouth.. "Well, I am 21 years old living and working in a city where I have no family... what do you think..." All the while laughing as I am speaking.....
Idiot Father....... "This is not an F'ing joke, Erica"
Beer fog and actual action....... "click"... hung up... haven't spoken since.


Oh, and I think maybe he called me once when I moved back to Owasso. But I don't think I answered the phone.

So, where is this all going you ask........

Well, the daughter he had when I was 10 is not 19 years old. She contacted me about 2 years ago and I have been communicating with her via e-mail/myspace ever since. She has asked to meet me and my brother. My brother has met up with her several times and they apparently get along quite well. I on the other hand have an extremely difficult time with it all. While I would love to meet her, something in me comes to a screeching halt anytime it is possible. So, we just e-mail... which is what has lead to today's issue...
My "sister" sent out an e-mail to several people... myself included.. oh and I am sure you see where this is going... and my Dad included.. So today I receive this e-mail..

Erica,
All I will say is that I miss you and love you. If you want to talk I am always here for you.
Your Father- I love you always and forever
Ken



I don't know what to do. This issue wrenches my heart and all I can seem to do is cry. Why? Why was is so hard to keep in touch with your first born child. How is it that the daughter you did nurture and love calls you her hero and your first born calls you a deadbeat who abandon her and her brother. How do you get past that? How do you meet your Dad when you are 29 years old and pregnant with your first child whom you know that nothing in the world would stop me from being in my childs life. I can't pray enough to find the answers and can't forgive enough to get past my anger. I hate what he did to us and I want to hate him and pretend that my life has been perfectly fine without him in it. But, the truth is that it hurts so much that I have no idea what to do.

Some Recent Advice

A friend of mine gave me some advice on my new adventures that I thought were quite simplistic and yet so profound. Love you Kristy!

1. marriage is hard, and different than living with him.
2. It will change, I don't know why, but it does.
3. Just Pray alot! And keep God numero uno and everything will be fine.
4.pregnancy..well...keep crackers by the bed and eat about a dozen before you get out.
5. Gingerbread cookies help with nausea
6. Good LUCK!



I went to Wal-Mart today. I am sure to most of you this is a normal thing that one might do at least once a month. I on the other hand have not been to a Wal-Mart in years.
Why you ask?
Well, I have had a severe issue with their corporate policy and the damage they have done to small town America. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!
So I went to the SUPER SIZE ME Wal-mart, out of morbid curiosity I suppose, and the idea that it could actually save me time and money. Um, considering I was in there for 2 hours proved to me that time was not something I needed to take into consideration any longer. Plus I bought so dang much I am relatively sure I saved ZERO money.

Soooooo, it's back to the anti Wal-Mart protest!! Support your local community people! Stop giving your money to a company that has knocked small business off the map!!!

Done Ranting now!!! Off to the lovely household duties!!! Enjoy your Weekend!

Secrets Out!

Well, I am ready to share my first big secret with the world! There have been quite an interesting series of events that have happened over the last couple of weeks and it has all been a lot to take in!!

I am guessing that some of you have gathered (from my not so subtle posting) that I am pregnant!! Yeah!!!

And shame on who ever was inconsiderate enough to guess my secret and post it on my blog...... ok.. Rant time... Good for you, you win, you guessed it.. but I cannot believe that someone would post "YOUR PREGNANT!!", clear as day for all to see, my friends, my family and everyone else, something that I clearly did not want anyone to know.... that is why I said " Im not ready to share my secret with the world" But someone took it upon themselves to shout it out without any thought to what is going on is someone else's life.... augh!! Ok- I am done!!

So - anyhow, On Oct 23 my whole world changed after peeing on a stick... talk about irony. How is it that something so miniscule can cause so much joy, fear, shock, turmoil and utter happiness? 2 little blue lines, that result from the hormone that is making you a raving lunatic but you are just unaware of it's presence. Well, I honestly did not believe with any ounce in my soul that I was pregnant. I simply could not for the life of me remember when my last period was, so just to clear the air..... (smack, much to my surprise!) so I went to the local Walgreens and bought the cheapest Prego test I could get my not so pregnant hands on.... Came home and went.... and... nothing....

Nothing showed up on the test at all. It appeared that I may have completely missed the stick and only managed to get it all over everything else..... Ugh, what is a girl to do... I went and ran a mile.. I mean what better than to go sweat that stress out... Well, much to my wondering eyes should appear... to little blue lines after my mile of blood sweat and tears... What the H#&@?

So I call the honey bunny, and the conversation went something like this...
"honey, um, please try not to stress when I tell you this but I took a prego test and there are tiny lines, but they are really small and hard to see...."
He replies...... "Bear, (oh yeah, he calls me bear!) Um, please don't think I am freaking up but I have to tell you that my armpits are dripping sweat!"

Gross, I know..... needless to say my overprotective Honey goes back to the local Walgreens and buys the most expensive test he can get his hands on! Guess whose the tight wad in this family!! So - in with the digital test I go... And this time I did for real get more on my hand than I did on the half inch wide absorbent strip. Soooooooo, the test failed!! Are you freaking kidding me... I can't pee again... I can't, I won't ... But I do... and the next text (which is digital) clearly says PREGNANT!?!?!?!???? Confusion, brain overloading, spinning, confusion.. must sit..

When I finally come around (well sort of) I sit down and tell Trent the only logical explanation... "Give it just a second.. it will change..." to which he replies.. "Bear, it is digital... it's not going to change!" After arguing with him for a few minutes, I just break into obscene laughter!!!!

So, today I had my first ultrasound. I am 6wks and 5days along. Due June 27th... but we are holding out for 1 day til the 28th because it my Gramps birthday. As you will learn, my Grandpa is my everything...

Huge sigh!!! aaaauuuuugggghhhh.... It is good to get that off my chest.

I went home this weekend to tell my family. I told my Mom first, with only a few tears.... When I went to tell my Grandma, I came close to having a complete fit... I am not sure why, but I just froze... and start crying hysterically... my Mom had to take the phone from me and tell her...

I was joking with my friends about how nervous I was to tell my family. I said that figured it was because it was the ultimate admission that I am and have had sex... which is something that is basically taboo to speak about amongst my family...
Hello - I have lived with the man for 3 1/2 years... I know that they know that I know that they know.... but, it is just easier to pretend that I am their perfect little Erica... that lives in denial and delusion!!

Anyhow, I did it! It is all out on the table...
Thanks to all of you who have stopped by and have given me kind words and encouragement. I will savor them all through this journey!!

Have a great week!!

I have another Secret!

Holy smokes! This has been such an eventful week!
So, I made it all the way to California without a hitch! The weather was amazing the entire weekend. Santa Barbara is the most beautiful place. The mostest yummiest food and the bestest shopping!!!!

Trent took me to the first beach I ever surfed at (Im no Gidget by the way) when we met and much to my surprise............... HE PROPOSED!!!!!!!!!

HOLY CRAP!!! CRY CRY CRY,,,, HOLY CRAP... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! Cry! WOO HOO!!!

He even asked my Mom! Whom I never really thought would welcome the idea of her only daughter getting hitched, but much to our surprise she was thrilled.

I consider myself extremely blessed to have him in my life. Yes, we have our moments just like every other couple in the world, but we have a great life together. I am sooo excited and am really looking forward to this new chapter in life.


PRAY FOR US TONS!!! We will need all the love and support we can stand while we begin this adventure!

Going back to Cali....

Yeah, I am off to Cali this weekend. I am going to one of my favorite places on the whole planet!! Santa Barbara Baby.... If you haven't been, you must. Don't wait. I am also going to see my favorite band ~ Dave, please save a seat for me, I have missed you dearly!

So ~ please be thinking of me tonight for I have to get on an airplane. While I realize how ridiculous this may sound (considering I work for an airline) but, I HATE TO FLY! Maybe it is because I do work there, so I know what goes on behind the scenes!! OR!!! Ooooh this has to be it... the idiot that I dated that worked for Boeing... yep that is definitely it.

So, anyhow send up a little prayer for me, approx 35,000 feet. I promise to try and catch them all as I plummet back down to earth in an fuel filled aluminum tube!

WOO HOO, Have a Great weekend!

I leave you with some Dave...


Where are you going
With the long face pulling down
Dont hide away like an ocean
But you can see, but you can smell and the sound
Of your waves coming down
I am no superman not at all
But I have no answers for you
I am no hero, and thats for sure
But I do know one thing
Where you go, is where I want to be

Deep Thoughts ~

I suppose many people go through their life contemplating things. Things that will enrich their lives, possible regrets one might have, and things they wish they could change. Their have been books written on how to find "your purpose" in life and how to understand why people do and say the things they do.

My point I suppose is that I have been wondering around over the years trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with this wonderful life God has given me. I always kind of thought that I was meant to do something great. I don't know if it was "history books" great or just affect someone's life in a "great" way. I have always had big dreams but I have never had the self confidence to believe I could pull those big dreams off. Not to mention I had given people plenty of other reasons to think I was crazy, why did I need to give them more!!

A couple of days ago something huge happened in my life. I am not ready to share it with the world quite yet, but I can tell you this much.... My life will never be the same. God has opened up a door for me that is so wide and deep that I have not yet had time to wrap my brain around it. I am so grateful for the opportunity that is before me that I can barely sleep at night. Okay, okay, since I am not telling you my BIG secret I will stop tantalizing you.

For those of you who read this blab I blab, I am grateful that you are going to be on this journey with me. There are times I will probably need your advice and most of all your humor!

Have a great day... More to come I promise!!!

I need a bubble bath!

Well today I am about to pull my hair out!! I am doing homework (microeconomics)and all I have to say is why did I not just finish this crap when I went the first time!! Was all that recreational activity during my TCC days really necessary! I mean do I even speak to half of the people that gave me a million reasons to fail most of my classes! Anyhow, So I am doing homework which requires entirely too much of my brain that, oh yeah, got completely fried today when I got up at 4am to go to work. And my dog is running around my feet making these hideous gagging noises like maybe he just swallowed the head of the stuffed duck he likes to suck the butt of!!!! Quite humorous actually!

So I figured since I was already 100% distracted I may as well continue on my new endeavor and write my second blog! Woo Hoo! I am on a roll. But today I realized something about my new hobby!!! Oh yeah, there is only one person that even knows I am doing this! Minnie while I love you to death I have a feeling that my little tidbits of random ramblings cannot keep you occupied for that long and really I could just pick up the phone and tell you all this stuff in person!!! Soooooo, I sent out a few e-mails to let some of my closest friends know what I am doing! For some reason the sensation I got from that resembled those naked first day of school dreams. I am not sure why this makes me so nervous! It just feels so personal I suppose, but here I am naked as a JayBird!!! The funny thing is I used to write ALL the time! I just haven't in years, maybe I still have shell shock from Mom finding my diary all those years ago! So, please people Blog with me so I feel like I have friends outside of the myspace world!!!

Side note---- dog is now laying under my feel sprawled out on his back with legs flailing and snoring like a locomotive!!!

Minnie is making me do this!!!

Well, this is the first of what Minnie hopes is many! I am nervous so please bear with me!

I don't really know where to start. I suppose after reading so many different blogs I feel compelled to tell you my life story. But for now, that is just between me and ... Everyone else that saw the train wreck! So how about I just tell you a little about me - Now.

I live in suburbia outside of Denver. I have been living with my boyfriend, Trent, for 3 1/2 years. We have a great time together and have been through so much in our separate lives and in our time together. (will maybe explain at some point!) We recently had our first child, Marley, who is a 6 month old Chocolate lab and just about the cutest thing you have ever laid eyes on. I can tell you that we got Marley as a gateway into marriage and children. We figured if we could raise a dog to be a good upstanding canine citizen we may have a pretty good shot at raising a child. Who knew! I think it should be law. No kids before pets. We have had a rollercoaster of emotions with this precious dog!! We have had vet appointments, emergency room visits, moments that resembled 3 AM feedings, you name it. I think I am ready for motherhood!

I work for Southwest Airlines and have done Customer service for them going on 7 years. Wow, Grandpa was right... I shouldn't have grown up! He told me not to and in true Erica fashion I refused to listen. Anyhow, I have worked in 5 airports and have seen the gamete of people, personalities, and shear insanity. Pray for me, please!!! The airport is close to the craziest place on earth!

My entire family still lives in Oklahoma. My Mother was 1 of 5 kids, so you can imagine what our family gatherings look like! If you know my family I am sure you can attest to the insanity. But it is wonderful insanity. I have gained much respect for people that "have" to live close to their family. I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with them. Occasionally I really enjoy coming back home! My Mom and I used to fight like we didn't share a drop of DNA. (again, maybe I can elaborate later) Thankfully she is my best friend now. I believe we have learned so much from each other.

Currently in my life I am pretty content. There are things that I would like to change about myself such as my overall health/weight and my commitment to my faith. Maybe this is my first step to sorting through all the garbage and getting back to the basics. (oh, god is that a Dr. Phil quote that just spewed out of my subconscious?) How is it that the things that you want most in life are sometimes the hardest things to focus on and attain? I know that cheeseburger is going to make me feel like crap.. So why, why o why do I just eat it anyway!

Well, I hope I didn't bore you to much. As they say the first step is the hardest one to take. Since I took my first "workout" step yesterday I am going to get off my butt and sweat! Have a wonderful day.

P.S. I am a Dave Matthews Band lunatic, so I will share with you as frequently as possible lyrics from this man that many times are what get me through my days.......

You seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing
You seek up on emotion, sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not going, "Ha ha, ha ha"

1st timer!!

Just testing out the blogging water!